Skip to main content

2015, March: Declander and the Curse of the Crying Mummy

Our time in the NICU was hard, but in many ways the first days/weeks* at home were even harder. I was thoroughly unprepared for how overwhelmed and incompetent I would feel as a new Mum. As soon as we got home, any progress we'd made with breastfeeding backtracked. We no longer had the nurses to help and reassure me and my stress levels peaked (again). Declan rarely woke to eat, so we were constantly setting an alarm to make sure he didn't go more than 4 hours between feedings. He spent most of the feedings alternating between screaming at my boobs and falling asleep.
Eventually, and thanks to some neighborly advice, we discovered that gas relief drops would calm him enough to latch and we started moving forward again. For the first few days we were still supplementing with breast milk by bottle and I was still pumping. This meant that the whole process took at least 90 minutes and usually around 2 hours. Then there were just 2 more hours until the alarm sounded for the next round. I was a wreck (again). I felt like I was falling into a deep, dark hole and there was no relief. I saw a future in which I would never sleep more than an hour or so, and I would never be able to do anything except feed and cry. I wasn't finding time to eat and barely had an appetite anyway. I dreaded each feeding and cried with Declan whenever he couldn't latch.

Four days after coming home and with guidance from the lactation consultant, we decided he was spending enough time feeding that I could stop pumping. Hallelujah! But we were still setting the alarm for feedings and good LORD how I hated that sound. All I could think about during each feeding was how much time there was left until the next one began. This made me even more irritable when Declan took his time about it. Our life was a giant countdown clock on repeat. It didn't help anything to think like this, but I couldn't stop. I begged Christian to let me give up breastfeeding.** I worried that Declan wasn't eating enough and that my milk production was slowing. I cried some more, a lot more. Who knew there were so many tears in me?

One week rolled by since coming home and Declan returned to his birth weight. Our pediatrician recommended that we switch from wake-to-feed to feed-on-demand, which meant no more alarms! The first afternoon and night of this were amazing and I was full of optimism and hope for the future. But then the next day Declan woke every 90 minutes to feed. 90 minutes! Giving me barely time to catch my breath between each one. He hardly slept that day or night between feedings, fussing and crying the whole time. I cried some more (surprise), and desperately wanted to quit again.

The next day was calmer, with fewer feedings and less crying from both of us. That was yesterday. Today feels good so far, though I'm back to worrying that he's not getting enough. It never ends. But I haven't cried in 24 hours and that alone is progress. :)

* The hard times/baby blues are by no means over yet.
** I imagine it won't be the last time I make that plea.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2016, January: Who Should Pay for the Arts

Working for a small nonprofit after the Goliath that is the Smithsonian has been an eye-opening experience. We're constantly doing - as my boss likes to call it - "the hustle." A great deal of time, energy, and resources is spent (and stress, sleepless nights, and several tears are experienced) while chasing funding instead of working on the mission, while the mission remains crucial to bringing in the money as well as being the reason we're all here. It's difficult to maintain that balance while keeping the organization afloat and the staff (mostly) sane. It's made me think a great deal about who should pay for what we do. I believe the arts are critically important and I am incredibly proud that a town the size of Idaho Falls (serving a population of around 100,000 in the city and surrounding rural areas) has art galleries, a large, historic theater that brings in nationally touring productions, and the-first-of-its-kind interactive art and technology cent...
Post a Comment
Read more

2015, September: Plagiocephaly, aka Declander the Amazing Helmet Boy

Declan started wearing a helmet last Friday. We knew he had a wonky head - for the first four months of his life he always slept in the exact same position - but we were hoping he would grow out of it. I knew I was supposed to be doing something about it (wedging him to sleep on the other side somehow), but it was enough of a celebration just to get the kid to sleep that I couldn't deal with anything else. At four months old he started rolling and would sleep in a variety of positions, but unfortunately the damage had been done. At his four month check-up the pediatrician said it wasn't too bad and that we should just keep an eye on it. At six months, however, a different pediatrician said "hmmm. We should probably have a specialist take a look." The specialist came from Salt Lake City and said that Declan had a moderate case of plagiocephaly (wonky head) due to slight torticollis (weak neck muscles on one side). Now that he's holding his head up fine and sitt...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Successful Trip!

I turn 40 this week. Yellowstone National Park is one of my favorite places in the world, so I decided we should go spend the weekend in the park for my birthday. As we got closer, I discovered I wasn’t really looking forward to it. Both kids are exhausting at the moment, and Ophelia especially does not do well in the car. Or in the cold. Or in any situation where her indecipherable needs are not being met. When I saw that thunderstorms were forecast all weekend, I almost canceled. But we’d paid a deposit on the cabin so we decided to take a chance and see what happened.  Well. The weather worked out almost perfectly and the kids were amazing! They handled all the time in the car, they hiked, they even (mostly) behaved themselves in a fancy restaurant. Ah. Maze. Zing.  On day one, we headed up to West Yellowstone and had our usual giant pancake lunch before venturing into the park. Then we drove down to West Thumb geyser basin, where both children managed to a) n...
Post a Comment
Read more