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2015, May: The Mum I Want to Be

For Declan. I'm finally feeling more like myself and, now that I am, I don't like thinking about the person I was for the first 2ish months of your life. I'm embarrassed and somewhat horrified. I find it difficult to remember why I was feeling the way I was and I hate that I wasn't able to be stronger for you. I was confused, overwhelmed, tired, sad, selfish, guilty, angry, and scared. I think I'm still all of those things a little bit, but I'm also feeling joy, hope, excitement, pride, wonder, confidence, and love. Today is our first Mother's Day and it has me thinking about the type of mum I want to be now that I feel (mostly) capable of being one. I know that all my friends with kids will surely laugh at my foolish optimism and ignorance of what's to come, but there's no harm in having goals, right?
  1. I want your Dad and I to spend less time in front of the television and more time outdoors enjoying the spectacular place in which we live. We moved here for a reason and I don't want any of us to take it for granted. We also need to be more active in general forgoodnesssake.
  2. Your Dad and I don't really fight, but we're very good at sulking at each other. I don't want you to be a part of the sulking wars so I hope we can get better at figuring things out in a more grown-up way.
  3. I have my ideas about who you might become, but I will try not to impose these ideas on you! I promise not to force anything on you or put down your strengths, whatever they may be. However, I will constantly stress the importance of hard work. The world doesn't owe you anything (no matter how awesome I think you are) and whatever goals you decide to set, I expect you to work very hard to achieve them.
  4. Most of your family lives very far away, and I'm sorry about that. As a result, a lot of your life will be shared on social media. I promise I will respect your privacy, especially as you get older, but please know that your grandparents, aunts, uncles, great aunts/uncles, cousins-once-removed, and future-cousins love to see updates about your life and I love to share them.
  5. I plan to embarrass you, often, but I want you to be proud of who I am and what I do and I will always work to live up to your expectations.
  6. Your Dad will teach you a lot about how the world is. I hope to show you the wonder of what the world can be. I also want to share other worlds with you. Worlds of wizards, dragons, space ships, time travel, monsters, aliens, and magic.
  7. If you ever have a sibling (a very big "if" at this point), I hope that now I know what to expect, I won't become the sad, lost version of myself that I was before. But if I do, your Dad and I will work very hard to make sure you feel it as little as possible and that we explain to you what's happening as best we can.
  8. I will endeavor to be less selfish and more patient. Less worried about a tidy home and more invested in spending time with you. Less of a nag and more of an inspiration. However, I will sometimes shout and pester and annoy. I will often sing badly and force you to pose for endless photographs. I will periodically be stressed, tired, sad, or angry. But I love you. Completely and utterly and totally and no-matter-what. Even though you just vomited down my sleeve.
xxx

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