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2016, June: Ten Tips for Traveling with a Toddler

  1. Make sure to move as far away from family members as possible so you will have no choice but to travel with your child. It is particularly important here to move somewhere that does not have a major airport nearby so you are guaranteed a trip with either multiple flights/layovers or a long drive.
  2. If you are driving long distances in the heat, your vehicle does not require air conditioning. The oppressive and extremely uncomfortable heat will be a welcome distraction from the monotony of the journey.
  3. Spend money on brand new toys for the journey so you can produce them at intervals to surprise and delight your child. You are guaranteed at least 20 seconds of entertainment before the toy is thrown under the seat or at another passenger. 20 whole seconds! The joy!
  4. Ask the flight attendants to please bring you your in-flight meals, cold drinks, and hot drinks all at the same time so you can practice your simultaneous juggling, wrestling, and contortion skills (here you are wrestling with the tray as well as the small human). By no means ask them to keep your meal warm until your partner has finished so you can switch off holding the kid. That would be a demonstration of weakness.
  5. If you have the option, do not buy your toddler a seat unless you have to. He's only small - why would he need his own space? Plus, the child does not like being held or cuddled, so it will be good practice for him.
  6. An excellent distraction is a hair elastic. These can be flicked at sleeping passengers' faces for endless entertainment.
  7. Attempting to rock the child to sleep in a tiny space while he continuously headbutts and kicks you is an amazing upper body workout.
  8. Take your toddler for regular walks through the plane to ensure that every single passenger shares in the experience. If you can, time this for when they have just served an in-flight snack, because there is nothing like stopping your kid from grabbing other peoples' food over and over and over and over (and over and over) again.
  9. When the child decides to adorably blow raspberries at the passengers in the row behind, do not forget to stuff his mouth full of soggy cookies beforehand.
  10. And finally, always wear your nicest clothes to travel. When you emerge from the plane at the other end -- covered in gooey handprints, milk dribbles, probably some pee, and babyfood blobs -- you want people to know that you initially (now a lifetime ago) made the effort to look nice.
GOOD LUCK.

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