2014, September: Going home, but not really

Photo by Flickr user Taber Andrew Bain, CC BY 2.0

We went back to Baltimore for three days this past weekend for a family wedding. If we had any doubts about the move to Idaho (which we didn't), then this trip would have abolished all of them. Immediately after leaving BWI airport we hit terrible traffic, the weather was sticky-hot-gross, the city looked even shabbier than I remembered, and the people were aggressive, noisy, and mean. On Friday, I popped into D.C. to visit my wonderful ex-colleagues at the Smithsonian American Art Museum. The minute I walked into Baltimore Penn Station to take the train (the beginning of the two-hour commute that I did twice a day for eleven years), my muscles tensed up and I started having flashbacks. Stepping onto the platform at Union Station Metro was even worse. How on earth did I do that commute every single day for so long? I didn't even think it was that bad at the time! Our days were typically 14-16 hours long. We got up at 4:30 a.m. every morning. Evenings consisted of getting home, eating dinner, and going to bed. It sucked.

On the day of the wedding, we found ourselves with a few hours to kill. We couldn't think of a single thing that we wanted to do, and were shocked to discover that there was nothing in Baltimore we had missed. NOTHING! After eleven years for me and thirty-three years for Christian! I usually feel nostalgic for places I have lived - I definitely feel it about my home town of Preston and even for Toronto, where I lived for just four months. If I was to re-visit Glasgow or Songjiang, China, I can easily imagine feeling sentimental about the streets, shops, restaurants, museums, and people. This just didn't happen in Baltimore! Sure, we enjoyed seeing family members and friends, but there wasn't a single aspect about the place that we cared about. The entire trip I had a nagging fear that I was going to wake up to find myself back there permanently, that the move to Idaho had just been a dream. I cannot believe we almost didn't move because we "weren't ready." So here is the moral of my story: If you want to move somewhere, move now. Don't wait. Don't let any excuses or worries stop you. It was the best decision we ever made, and I am so thankful every day that we threw our fears aside and just did it. Here were some of the things that might have stopped us, if we'd listened to our inner, negative voices:

1. Our income will be reduced! We made the decision to move after Christian was offered a job. This was our compromise - we didn't want to move without either of us having a job, and we didn't want to wait for both of us to sort something out. I was lucky enough to find a job quickly, BUT I took a major pay cut, going from $90K at the Smithsonian to just $28K in my new position. This was very difficult and still is. Before the move we maintained separate finances and now we have to share. This was certainly a big step in our relationship, and we've had to be a LOT more aware of our spending habits now that our household income barely exceeds our essential expenses (more on that in #2). However, I wouldn't change it. Living expenses are much lower here and we spend far less on recreation, since we have National Parks, Forests, and Wilderness Areas on our doorstep. We don't go out for dinner, drinks, or movies anymore, which we thought would make us sad, but we've barely noticed it. I haven't bought any clothes or books, Christian hasn't bought any "toys," and we've spent very little on the house. In hindsight, we think we needed to buy more things in Baltimore to make up for the fact that we weren't entirely happy with our situation. Being able to see the mountains on a daily basis or taking a day trip to Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks makes up for a thousand fancy dinners.
2. We'll never be able to sell the house! Well, this was certainly true. One of the main reasons we almost did not jump at this opportunity was because we knew our house in Baltimore was not ready to sell. It was a project house from the beginning and, while we'd done a great deal of work on it already, there was even more still to be done. We talked about me staying in Baltimore with my Smithsonian salary until it was sold, but then when the perfect job opportunity came up we decided to just risk leaving it. This was one of the most difficult and stressful parts of our move. We already had a significantly reduced household income and now had to pay two mortgages (as well as twice the utility bills, homeowners insurance, and taxes). We lived this way for eight months and it was extremely hard. We barely had enough money to pay the bills each month and had to pull funds from savings or add to our already-hefty credit card debt every time there was an unexpected cost, no matter how small. When we finally got rid of the Baltimore mortgage payments through Christian's relocation program, we had to write a big check to cover the deficit on the sale, depleting our savings even further. Despite the struggles, I don't regret it. Living poor* together taught us a great deal about our relationship and, even better, showed us that we could do it. Now that I'm facing three months of unpaid maternity leave in the spring, I know we can handle it. If I'd stayed in Baltimore alone for eleven months after Christian left last October, I don't know where we'd be now. Certainly not as happy as we are! (*I know we weren't really poor. We were very fortunate that we could maintain two mortgages and still afford essentials such as food, utilities, and gas.)
3. We're leaving our friends and family! Christian had never lived in a different city from his parents, never mind a different state. I'd already left my family, but I felt bad about going an additional 2,200 miles away from them. We both had (and still have!) wonderful friends at the Smithsonian. It was difficult to leave the people, certainly, but with email, social media, and Skype, I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world. I am slightly worried about being "alone" now that we're having a baby (a network of close friends and family would be a benefit, for sure) but our neighbors are great and we've both made friends at work, so I'm not too concerned. This would probably be a bigger issue for more social beings (like my sister, for example), but I've lived in a lot of places and have never really worried about making friends. :)
4. People will think we're crazy! Well, yes. And people did, especially before I knew I had a job here. My position at the Smithsonian was an excellent one. It opened many doors for me over the years, and gave me national and sometimes even international recognition in the field through conferences and publications. That is something I knew I would be giving up and I did think carefully about whether I was okay with it. I decided that I was, primarily because after eleven years I was proud of what I had achieved and okay with future accomplishments being on a different scale (especially because, as I have since learned, this does not necessarily make them less meaningful). People also think we must be missing the art, culture, restaurants, and convenience of living in a city. We're not: The restaurants here are fabulous (I've heard, since we haven't been able to afford them yet!), there is more art and culture than there should be for a town this size, and convenience? We can drive absolutely anywhere in town in less than 15 minutes with no traffic. What people describe as "traffic" here makes me LAUGH. We did worry that we were foolish for leaving jobs that we were happy with for the unknown, so I recommend interviewing prospective employers while they are interviewing you (as much as possible, anyway!) to make sure that they will be a good fit.

I'm not saying that cities are evil and that everyone should move to the mountains. That was what we needed, but I fully appreciate that not everyone is looking for sparse population and wilderness! I'm just saying that if you dream of making a change, you shouldn't let worries like these hold you back. Just like having children - there is never a perfect time. You figure it out.